Pope Stars

Hola, Papa Francisco! Adios, Papa Benedicto! Wait a second - not so fast!
The retired pontiff has insisted he retain the name Benedict XVI with the title
Pope Emeritus, still be addressed as His Holiness, and still reside in Vatican
City. Stealing a gag from Comedy Central's "Colbert Report," we're one pope
over the line, sweet Jesus, one pope over the line!

When asked, in time to come, what he gave up for Lent, the former Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger can reply, "The papacy." On February 28, 2013, Pope Benedict XVI, judging himself unfit physically and mentally to continue the holy legacy of Saint Peter, resigned, becoming the first pope to voluntarily quit since Pope Celestine V in 1294. Which brings us to "Dante’s Inferno."

The great Italian Renaissance poet Dante Alighieri was renowned for scathing attacks against the Catholic Church in "Inferno," the first part of his monumental "Divine Comedy" trilogy ("Purgatorio" and "Paradiso" followed), written between 1308 and his death in 1321. Dante’s assaults on the Church were prompted not by religious transgressions but for what the poet, who believed that separation of church and state was essential to the work of salvation, deemed political ambition.

Guided through hell by the Roman poet Virgil,
Dante stops to chat with Pope Nicholas II

Dante firmly planted Pope Nicholas II upside down in a smoldering hole in the circle of hell reserved for those guilty of the sin of simony, which is the selling and buying of church offices. Nicholas was also notorious for excessive nepotism, doling out church-related positions to his relatives. Dante also connected Pope Clement V with the sin of simony for moving the papal seat from Rome to Avignon in France to appease the ambitions of French king Philip IV.

Dante, as well, anticipated the damnation for simony, even before his death, of Pope Boniface VIII, who allegedly used bribes to be elected after the previously mentioned Pope Celestine V resigned. It was rumored that Boniface used a secreted speaking tube in Celestine’s chambers to intone, in a supernatural voice, warnings to abdicate or face the flames of hell. Boniface would historically be denounced as a heretical criminal (he was also suspected of embezzlement, idolatry, and, among other sins, sodomy), but Dante personally held the pope in contempt for prompting the exile of the poet from Florence for two years.

As for poor Celestine V, whose papacy lasted a mere five months, Dante placed the defeated spirit not in hell but in its dismal outland as a cowardly wanderer, neither a friend nor a foe of God, condemned for lacking courage to ally himself with either good or evil.

It’s highly unlikely that some zealous cardinal or bishop piped in a spectral voice admonishing Pope Benedict XVI to retire, and it’s unknown what Dante would have made of his papacy. Originally regarded as a liberal theologian, Benedict eventually adopted a more conservative stance, defending musty, traditional Catholic doctrines. During his nearly eight-year papacy, he advocated a return to fundamental Church values to counter what he saw as growing secularism. His writings on the exclusivity of Catholicism as the sole path to salvation alienated a number of Christians, single-handedly squelching the inclusive embrace offered by Pope John Paul II.

Sixteen-year-old Joseph Ratzinger

And there was the Nazi issue. In 1941, 14-year-old Joseph Ratzinger was conscripted into the Hitler Youth, although his brother asserted he refused to attend meetings. In 1943, he was drafted into the German anti-aircraft corps, then trained in the German infantry. He ended up in an Allied POW camp in 1945 but was released a few months later at war’s end.

Albert Finney in "Pope John Paul II" (1975)

It’s doubtful that anyone will make a movie about Benedict XVI. The flocks never seemed to warm up to him as they did to his beloved predecessor, Pope John Paul II, which is evidenced in a pair of made-for-television productions. "Pope John Paul II" (1975) traces the life of Polish cardinal Karol Wojtyla from his days as a young activist in German-occupied Poland to his election as pope. The film starred Albert Finney, who was recently seen as Kincade, the gamekeeper at James Bond’s childhood home in "Skyfall."

Cary Elwes as Karol Wojtyla in "Pope John Paul II" (2005)

"Pope John Paul II" was also the title of a 2005 miniseries chronicling his life from his early adult years to his death as pope in 2005. Cary Elwes (best known for his roles in "The Princess Bride" and "Robin Hood: Men in Tights") portrayed the young Wojtyla, while the Pope was played by Jon Voight (whose other recent portrayals of historical figures included Howard Cosell in "Ali" and FDR in "Pearl Harbor") in a cast that included James Cromwell, Ben Gazzara, and Christopher Lee. The miniseries premiered in Vatican City before airing in the U.S.

Jon Voight in "Pope John Paul II" (2005)

Incidentally, Bishop Wojtyla wrote a three-act play in 1960 titled "The Jeweller’s Shop," about three couples in love whose lives intertwine with the help of a mystical jeweler, which was adapted into a charming little movie in 1989, starring Burt Lancaster and Olivia Hussey. Pope John Paul II praised it as "the best possible film based on my play."

Burt Lancaster as the future Pope Gregory X in "Marco Polo"

Speaking of Burt Lancaster, he portrayed Teobaldo Visconti, a Crusader who became Pope Gregory X, in the sweeping 1982 miniseries "Marco Polo," featuring Ken Marshall ("Krull") in the title role, with F. Murray Abraham, Anne Bancroft, Leonard Nimoy, David Warner, John Houseman, and John Gielgud.

John Gielgud as Pope Pius XII in "The Scarlet and the Black"

John Gielgud, the internationally acclaimed British lion of stage, screen and television, seemed to have cornered the show biz market on portraying popes. He played Pope Pius XII in the 1983 TV movie "The Scarlet and the Black," based on the true story of Father Hugh O-Flaherty (portrayed by Gregory Peck), a Vatican official dedicated to saving Jews and Allied POWs in Nazi-occupied Rome. O’Flaherty was nicknamed "The Scarlet Pimpernel of the Vatican" for his ability to cleverly evade traps set by the Gestapo, led by an SS colonel played by Christopher Plummer.

John Gielgud in "Elizabeth"

Gielgud played the Pope in "Elizabeth" (1998), starring Cate Blanchett, Geoffrey Rush, Joseph Fiennes, and Richard Attenborough.

Anthony Quinn in "The Shoes of the Fisherman"

Thirty years earlier, in "The Shoes of the Fisherman," John Gielgud portrayed The Elder Pope, whose death leads to the election of an unlikely successor. Based on the best-selling novel by Morris West and directed by Michael Anderson, who directed the aforementioned "The Jeweller’s Shop," the 1968 film stars Anthony Quinn as Kiril Lakota, a Ukranian archbishop freed after 20 years as a political prisoner in Siberia. Set in the "future" of the 1980s, Lakota becomes Pope Kiril I as tension between the Soviet Union and China pushes the world to the brink of nuclear war. The supporting cast features Oskar Werner, Laurence Olivier, David Janssen, Leo McKern, and Vittorio De Sica (the renowned Italian director who himself portrayed Pope Pius VII in the 1960 historical epic "The Battle of Austerlitz").

John Gielgud was well known for his beautifully expressive speaking voice, which his friend and colleague Alec Guinness likened to "a silver trumpet muffled in silk." Guinness (forever endeared to "Star Wars" fans as the sagacious Obi-Wan Kenobi) had an impressive cameo as Pope Innocent III in "Brother Sun, Sister Moon." Directed by Franco Zeffirelli (noted for breathing new life into the works of Shakespeare with 1967’s "The Taming of the Shrew," starring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, 1968’s "Romeo and Juliet," with Leonard Whiting and Olivia Hussey, and 1990’s "Hamlet," starring Mel Gibson and Glenn Close), the 1972 production depicts Francis Assisi and his disciples of hermits as the first flower children, featuring an appropriate soundtrack of treacly songs by Donovan. "You have to hang your brains outside by the door before you go into this film," Zeffirelli said. Roger Ebert called it "a big, limp Valentine of a movie, filled with an excess of sweetness and light."

Alec Guinness as Pope Innocent III in "Brother Sun, Sister Moon"

Confronted by barefooted Francis and his band of ragtag followers in the eye-popping opulence of the Vatican, Pope Innocent III humbly respects their vows of poverty and self-denial, uttering, "In our obsession of original sin, we too often forget original innocence."

Rex Harrison as Pope Julius II in "The Agony and the Ecstasy"

English actor Rex Harrison’s papal role was more than a cameo in "The Agony and the Ecstasy." Based on the novel by Irving Stone (a best-selling author known for his biographical novels about historical figures, such as Van Gogh in Lust for Life) and directed by Carol Reed ("Oliver!"), the 1965 film - perhaps with too much spectacle - dramatized the contentious relationship between Michelangelo (Charlton Heston) and Pope Julius II (deservedly nicknamed "The Warrior Pope") during the artist’s four-year task of painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling. "When will you make an end?" the pope demands, to which Michelangelo replies, "When I am finished!" In a part initially turned down by Laurence Olivier, Harrison (best known for his iconic stage and screen role as Professor Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady"), adamantly refused to grow a beard as favored by the real-life Julius II.

Peter O'Toole as Pope Paul III in "The  Tudors"

Peter O’Toole - wait, what is it with all these British actors playing popes? Historically, in the 1,980 years of the papacy, there has been only one English pope, Adrian IV, in the 12th century. Anyway, the tradition of British actors making the best screen pontiffs was carried on by the venerable Peter O’Toole (who, despite eight Academy Award nominations, has yet to take an Oscar home) in his portrayal of Pope Paul III on five episodes of the 2007 Showtime TV series "The Tudors," starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII of England.

Jeremy Irons as Pope Alexander VI (What's with the cigar? Columbus brought
tobacco from the New World to Europe, and a monk who accompanied Columbus,
Romano Pane, was commanded by Pope Alexander VI to write the first account
of smoking, De insularium ribitus)

In a more recent Showtime series, 2011’s "The Borgias," Jeremy Irons (who won an Emmy Award and a Golden Globe Award for his role as the Earl of Leicester in the 2005 miniseries "Elizabeth I," starring Helen Mirren) portrayed the family patriarch, Rodrigo Borgia, who, through simony and bribery, was named Pope Alexander VI in 1492.

Before his papacy, Borgia had several illegitimate children. For some time in the early history of the Church, celibacy in the clergy was not considered mandatory. Presumably, most of the original Apostles were married and had families, including, most importantly, Peter (of whom Jesus declared, "On this rock I will build my church"), regarded as the first pope.

The Second Lateran Council of 1139, as overseen by Pope Innocent II, decided that people could be ordained only after taking a vow of celibacy, condemning marriage and dallying with concubines among the clergy. At least four popes were alleged to have had male lovers during their pontificate, but since 1585, no pope has been known to have been sexually active either before or after their election.

Alexander VI became one of the most controversial popes of the Renaissance, and the name Borgia became infamously synonymous with licentiousness, libertinism, and nepotism. Less for his function as a pastor and religious father, Alexander’s papal reputation grew from his shrewd political skills as a diplomat and administrator, and two of his successors praised him as one of the most outstanding popes since St. Peter.

Robbie Coltrane in "The Pope Must Die"

And now for something completely different in English portrayals of popes. Robbie Coltrane, a portly comedic actor familiar to Hogwarts fans as the imposing Rubeus Hagrid in the series of "Harry Potter" films, played a lowly priest with a fondness for cars, women, and rock music who is mistakenly elected pope and then has to evade assassination attempts by the Mafia in "The Pope Must Die."

The 1991 comedy is based loosely on the humorless conspiracy theory that the untimely death of Pope John Paul II’s predecessor, John Paul I (who was found dead sitting up in bed 33 days into his papacy), was linked to a connection between the Mafia and corruption in the Vatican Bank, which resulted in the loss of a quarter of a billion dollars (a scandal that was fictionalized by Francis Ford Coppola in "The Godfather Part III," with internationally renowned Italian actor Raf Vallone as a newly elected pontiff who is poisoned).

Robbie Coltrane, Alex Rocco (far right) in "The Pope Must Die"

Herbert Lom (best known as the beleaguered victim of Peter Sellers’ endless ineptitude in the "Pink Panther" comedies) played a Mafia don, and a shady Vatican cardinal was portrayed by Alex Rocco (who went out with a bullet to the eye as Las Vegas mobster Moe Green in "The Godfather"). Even after the title was inexplicably emasculated as "The Pope Must Diet" for American theaters, several U.S. newspapers refused to carry ads for the film, and the major television networks nixed airing previews.

Ringo Star as Pope Pius X in "Lisztomania"

The oddest papal casting choice in movie lore has to be former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr as Pope Pius X in "Lisztomania" (1975), directed by iconoclast extraordinaire Ken Russell, who had recently adapted The Who’s rock opera "Tommy" into an outrageous screen extravaganza, featuring a tossed salad of rock stars and movie stars, including Roger Daltrey, Ann-Margret, Oliver Reed, Elton John, Jack Nicholson, Eric Clapton, Keith Moon, and Tina Turner.

Russell’s previous film treatments of famous composers - "The Music Lovers," starring Richard Chamberlain as Tchaikovsky, and "Mahler" - certainly did not conform to the Hollywood norm for screen biographies. "The past attracts me," Russell once said, "because when dealing with it, you don’t have to be historically accurate." True to his twisted words, Russell had The Who’s lead singer Roger Daltrey play the  Hungarian composer Franz Liszt as an oversexed rock idol of the 19th century, victimized by rival composer Richard Wagner, who is depicted as a combination of German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche’s "Superman" and a vampire who transforms into a Frankenstein Monster-Adolf Hitler hybrid. Russell matter-of-factly explained, "It’s pure fantasy based on fact rather than straight factual biography."

Roger Daltrey, Ringo Starr in "Lisztomania"

Roger Ebert called "Lisztomania" "a berserk exercise of demented genius." In the midst of the bizarre, illogical excess, Ebert noted, "Ringo Starr’s cameo as the Pope becomes an island of sanity."

The legendary Pope Joan gives birth

Finally, the oddest papal choice in folklore has to be Pope Joan. The legend of a female pope who reigned briefly during the 9th century between Pope Leo IV and Pope Benedict III first appeared in print in the mid-13th century. In most versions of the fable, she was a skilled and talented individual who successfully disguised herself as a male as she rose through the Church hierarchy. It wasn’t until she unexpectedly gave birth while riding horseback that she revealed her gender. In most tellings of the tale, Joan died shortly afterward, either from natural causes or killed by an angry mob of onlookers, who bound her feet to her horse’s tail and stoned her as she was dragged for half a league. Her memory was shunned by her successors.

Liv Ullmann in "Pope Joan"

Liv Ullmann, the Norwegian-born actress noted for appearing in several movies directed by Ingmar Bergman, starred in the 1972 film "Pope Joan," with Franco Nero (the screen’s original "Django"), Maximilian Schell, Olivia de Havilland, and Lesley-Anne Down, directed by Michael Anderson, the director of the previously mentioned "The Jeweller’s Shop" and "The Shoes of the Fisherman."

Johanna Wokalek in "Pope Joan"

The 2009 German production "Pope Joan" was not a remake of the 1972 film but instead offered a new perspective on the legendary fable, with German actress Johanna Wokalek in the title role and John Goodman as Pope Sergius II, who portrays the pontiff with an incongruous English accent, leading us to suspect that the Missouri-born actor had seen too many movies with British thespians impersonating Roman popes.

John Goodman as Pope Sergius II in "Pope Joan"

Which leads us to an appreciation of our favorite pope in the moviehouse, who, like Vittorio De Sica and Raf Vallone before him, was of genuine Italian heritage. The 1984 comedy "Johnny Dangerously" was a Mel Brooks-type take on 1930s gangster pictures, directed by Amy Heckerling (best known for the hit comedies "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," "Look Who's Talking," and "Clueless") and starring Michael Keaton, in his fourth screen role, doing a dead-on  takeoff of James Cagney in the title role ("Did you know your last name is an adverb?"). Roger Ebert noted, "The movie wants to do for gangster films what 'Airplane!' did for 'Airport.'"

Richard Dimitri in
"Johnny Dangerously"

Ebert pointed out, "This is a high-class cast having fun with the material." The game costars include Marilu Henner, Joe Piscopo (very funny in his first motion picture after leaving "Saturday Night Live," as psychotic mobster Danny Vermin, whose weapon of choice is an .88 Magnum: "It shoots through schools!"), Maureen Stapleton, Peter Boyle, Griffin Dunne, Glynnis O'Connor, Danny DeVito, and Richard Dimitri, the latter a hilarious scene-stealer as rival gang kingpin Moronie, an indistinct immigrant who indiscriminately massacres English expletives: "You lousy cork-soakers! You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of farging iceholes like yourselves!"

You know that old conversation gag when you'll state something as fact, and a buddy will come back with a wisecrack like, "Yeah, and I'm the President!" In "Johnny Dangerously," the retort is, "Sure, and I'm-a the Pope!" And in walks Dom De Luise, in white robes and gold mitre. De Luise, born in Brooklyn to Italian immigrants, has only three lines - capped off by Keaton's Dangerously offering him a wad of bills: "Hey, Pope, why don't you build yourself a new gym at the Vatican?" - but his out-of-leftfield cameo endears him as our favorite pope in the moviehouse.