Touchy Subjects

In the mailroom of the Moviehouse, zoologists address questions regarding just what nuances separate humankind from the rest of fauna.

Do birds talk? No. Certain birds bred as pets, including mynas, parrots, and parakeets, as well as crows and ravens. only mimic human speech, sometimes rattling off a vocabulary of 2000 words, without any cognizant grasp of the language.

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."

Can dogs really smile? No. However, the relaxed facial muscles and loose tongue of a contented canine, accompanied by sparkling eyes and a wagging tail, may convince the owner that Cujo is grinning.

What animals, other than humans, wage organized warfare? Ants. End of answer. Why else would scientists call over 200 species of insects "army ants?" Multitudes of aggressive, predatory creatures that regularly dispatch foraging raids against neighboring interlopers, looting food stores and cannibalizing enemies, army ants do not reside in permanent nests, opting instead to be restlessly encamped in rootless colonies.

Although troops of chimpanzees have been alleged to initiate combat maneuvers against rival clans, such assaults usually target an individual.

Do animals commit murder? An inordinate number of hyena fatalities - as high as 60 percent in some regions of Africa - are attributed to unprovoked lion attacks. Notably, lions refuse to eat the hyenas they kill. Even famed primatologist Jane Goodall was shocked at "the viciousness, the seething hatred" that the big cats display toward the stoop-shouldered scavengers. (Hyenas, incidentally, randomly kill lion cubs.) Maybe there is just something in the smell or appearance of hyenas that triggers a primordial rage in lions for bloodlust.

Does homosexuality exist throughout the animal kingdom? Homosexuality has been witnessed widely among fauna, notably giraffes (accompanied by lengthy sessions of - you guessed it - necking), bonobos (chimpanzee relatives), flamingos, penguins, dolphins, killer whales, sea lions, vampire bats, countless insects and spiders. and hermaphrodite snails.

What animals, other than human beings, have opposable thumbs? Among creatures with opposable thumbs, non-human primates number the most, although not all primates possess thumbs. Beyond primates, other animals with opposable thumbs include opossums (the world's oldest surviving mammals), giant pandas, koalas, even some species of arboreal frogs.

Now they're just showing off - koalas have two opposable thumbs on each front paw.

Speaking of opposable thumbs, do animals masturbate? Masturbation has been observed in males among 80 species of primates. Females from at least 50 species service themselves, often using sticks and plants as aids. Male and female cetaceans (marine mammals) are known to rub their genitalia on the sea floor, other animals, or stationary objects. Masturbation has also been exhibited in species of dolphins and killer whales.

Asian elephants can do it by repeatedly striking their erections against their belly. Male walruses will rub their front flippers over their formidable units. Or they might even perform auto-fellatio, because it IS just that big.

During the breeding season, both male and female porcupines rub sticks against their genitalia. Male Cape ground squirrels of Africa masturbate most often right after they've copulated, in a form of preventing the spread of sexually transmitted infections among their various mates.

Young male vampire bats and fruit bats, from their inverted perches in caves, have been seen pleasuring themselves with their tongues. Male turtles start masturbating as soon as they become sexually mature. Fledgling male Adelie penguins rub against bare rocks, a behavior first observed in 1911 during the Scott Antarctic expedition.

Both human males and females are depicted masturbating in prehistoric rock paintings worldwide. Male self-gratification was an important image in ancient Egypt. When performed by a god, it was regarded as a creative, even magical act. The god Atum was believed to have created the universe by masturbating. The ebb and flow of the Nile itself was attributed to the frequency of his ejaculations. Pharaohs were once required to ceremoniously masturbate into the Nile, something you never saw in Cecil B. DeMille's "The Ten Commandments," starring Yul Brynner.

Ancient Greeks appreciated masturbation as a normal and healthy substitute for sexual pleasure with a partner. They deemed it a safety valve to avert destructive frustrations. The Greeks likewise depicted female masturbation in art and writing.

Diogenes, one of the founders of Cynic philosophy, who was said to carry a lamp in the daylight in his quest for an honest man, openly criticized and embarrassed the philosopher Plato, sabotaged his lectures, and publicly mocked Alexander the Great to his face. Notorious for rejecting precepts of human decency, he lived in oversized clay wine vats, barrels, and tubs, urinated on people who insulted him, defecated in theaters, and masturbated in public. When admonished for the latter, he said "If only it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing my belly."

He credited the messenger god Hermes with the invention of masturbation. Hermes felt sorry for his son, Pan, the goat-like god of shepherds and flocks, who was pining for the mountain nymph Echo but unable to seduce her. Hermes taught him how to masturbate to relieve his suffering. Pan, in turn, taught the act to young shepherds.

Ancient Romans probably considered masturbation an inferior act of sexual release, resorted to by slaves. Though infrequently mentioned, masturbation was a longstanding theme in Roman satire. Incidentally, Romans preferred the left hand for self-pleasure. By the way, the Latin root for the word "sinister" means left-handed, or underhanded.

Onan, a minor character in the Old Testament Book of Genesis, is often erroneously referred to as the first man in the Bible slain by God for masturbation. Onan was the second son of Judah whose older brother, Er, was arbitrarily killed by the Lord because he was wicked; no other details are supplied. When Judah commanded Onan to impregnate his brother's widow, Tamar, Onan realized any son born to her would be deemed the legal heir of the deceased Er and be able to claim the firstborn's share of inheritance. If Tamar remained childless, Onan would claim his inheritance as the oldest surviving son. So Onan pulled out and spilled his semen on the ground. Because Onan was "evil in the sight of the Lord," the Lord smote him, not for masturbating, per se, but for disobedience. And yet the term "onanism" became synonymous with masturbation.

Onan's bad decision-making is interpreted by underground comic book
artist R. Crumb in his 2009 publication The Book of Genesis Illustrated.

Some 3800 years after Onan bit the dust for spilling his seed in the dust, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the operator of a holistic health sanitarium in Battle Creek, Michigan, in the early 20th century who became famous for inventing Corn Flakes breakfast cereal, waged a vehement if not outright maniacal campaign against masturbation. An advocate of a vegetarian diet, a regimen of exercise, along with abstinence from alcohol, tobacco, and sexual excess, Kellogg cited a Dr. Adam Clarke's medical claims that "neither the plague, nor war, nor small-pox, nor similar diseases. have produced results so disastrous to humanity as the pernicious habit of onanism."

Kellogg (pictured above) claimed firsthand knowledge of masturbation-related deaths where "such a victim literally dies by his own hand." He recommended bandaging or tying children's hands, covering their private parts with patented cages, electric shock, sewing the foreskin shut, circumcision without anesthesia, and applying phenol to young girls' clitorises. He warned parents of "wicked or ignorant" nurses who would masturbate children in order to quiet them. Kellogg even believed serving his simple breakfast cereal every morning would aid in the fight against the urges of "self-abuse."

Nowadays, of course, the health benefits of self-love would be indisputable even to a flake like Dr. Kellogg. Males who masturbate frequently have a lower probability to develop prostate cancer. Masturbation functions as a cardiovascular workout and can lower blood pressure. The act wards off a host of illnesses, including diabetes and cystitis (a urinary tract infection); it even reduces swollen nasal blood vessels, freeing the airway for better breathing. The climax leaves one in a relaxed, contented state, and the activity itself is free from sexually transmitted diseases.

Not to mention all the memorable moments milking the moose or paddling the pink canoe have provided in pictures. Let's start with "Portnoy's Complaint," the 1972 comedy based on the best-selling novel by Newark-born Philip Roth. Published in 1959, Goodbye, Columbus, which painted humorous and irreverent portraits of Jewish American life, was the 26-year-old Roth's breakthrough novella, but it was 1969's Portnoy's Complaint that transformed the author into a literary celebrity, while unleashing a flood of controversy over the book's explicit treatment of sexuality, notably detailed depictions of the main character's obsession with masturbating with a variety of aids, including socks, his sister's underwear, and a slice of liver, which his mother later serves for dinner.

The film "Portnoy's Complaint" featured Richard Benjamin (pictured above), who had starred in the 1969 screen version of Roth's Goodbye, Columbus. Critic Roger Ebert remarked that Benjamin "has played the sexually inept, introverted Jewish schlemiel in so many movies ('Goodbye, Columbus,' 'Diary of a Mad Housewife,' 'The Marriage of a Young Stockbroker') that if he hasn't lost his mind or gotten any warts by now he can stop worrying." When Ebert first heard that the upcoming release of "Portnoy's Complaint" was rated R, he found it "impossible to comprehend. How could Philip Roth's saga of masturbation have been made into anything but an X-rated movie?"

Karen Black plays Mary Jane Reid ("The Monkey") in "Portnoy's Complaint."

When "Portnoy's Complaint" was released on DVD, Richard Benjamin observed that response to the film "is more positive than the first time." According to the actor, when it initially premiered, "People who had read the book thought it wasn't enough like the book, and those who hadn't read the book were shocked...I remember a lot of people didn't want to shake hands with me. That I remember."

In 1973, tween scream queen Linda Blair took fanning-the-fur to unforeseen heights of hysteria in the seminal horror motion picture "The Exorcist," portraying Regan, a Georgetown girl taken over by a demon named Pazuzu. In a particularly repugnant moment of demonic possession, Regan furiously masturbates with a crucifix, spattering blood all over her nightgown and bellowing, "F*** Jesus! F*** you! Lick it!" With a swiveling head, Regan, speaking in the demon's voice, asks the terrified mother (played by an Oscar-nominated Ellen Burstyn), "Do you know what she did - your cunting daughter?"

When 12-year-old Linda Blair (who was nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award) auditioned for the role, director William Friedkin asked her if she know what masturbation was. She replied, "It's like jerking off, isn't it?" Friedkin asked her if she ever did it. She said, "Yeah, don't you?"

A year after portraying an Italian cycling-obssessed teen stuck in Bloomington, Indiana, in the winning coming-of-age drama "Breaking Away," Dennis Christopher starred in "Fade to Black," a 1980 slasher about a pathetically lonely classic movie buff who works in a Hollywood film distributing warehouse.

His flick addiction turns homicidal when he becomes obsessed with a Marilyn Monroe look-alike, played by Linda Kerridge (an Australian model who capitalized on her resemblance to the Blonde Bombshell in a handful of movies in the 1980s), prompting him to systematically dispose of his perceived oppressors in the guise of various classic cinema characters, including Richard Widmark's Tommy Udo ("Kiss of Death"), Bela Lugosi's Count Dracula, Boris Karloff's Mummy, William Boyd's Hopalong Cassidy, and James Cagney's Cody Jarrett ("White Heat").

Written and directed by Vernon Zimmerman (who made the 1972 roller derby melodrama "Unholy Rollers," featuring 1970 Playboy Playmate of the Year Claudia Jennings), "Fade to Black" costars Mickey Rourke (pictured above), in his second screen role, as a coworker who relentlessly bullies Christopher, while comedic actor Tim Thomerson adds his brand of sardonic humor as a criminal psychologist named Dr. Moriarty who plays the blues harmonica and enjoys post-coital Ritz crackers.

An hour into "Fade to Black," in one of filmdom's most pitiable masturbation depictions, Christopher snuggles in the covers to pound the flounder beneath a ceiling poster of Marilyn Monroe, shamefully muttering afterward, "Sorry, Marilyn." Dennis Christopher's later roles included early Olympics champion Charley Paddock in "Chariots of Fire" and hypochondriac asthmatic Eddie Kaspbrak in the 1990 miniseries "It."

In a definitely more upbeat-the-bologna sequence, Judge Reinhold (best known for his role as Detective Billy Rosewood in the "Beverly Hills Cops" films) has an embarrassing bathroom encounter with Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," a 1982 coming-of-age comedy based on the best-selling book by Cameron Crowe and directed by Amy Heckerling, whose track record of successful comedies includes "Johnny Dangerously," "National Lampoon's European Vacation," "Look Who's Talking," and "Clueless."

According to director Amy Heckerling, Phoebe Cates was at first reluctant to
film the poolside fantasy shot for fear of neighbors spying on the set from rooftops.  

Among the status-seeking students at the fictional California high school, Judge Reinhold's Brad Hamilton is a popular senior whose fast food jobs at All-American Burger and Captain Hook Fish & Chips are helping him pay off his prestigious 1980 Buick Le Sabre. Phoebe Cates portrays the best friend of Brad's sister (played by Jennifer Jason Leigh) whose poolside dip at the Hamilton house inspires Brad to drop his fish-and-chips buccaneer breeches for some toilet-seat pickle tickling.

"Jeez, doesn't anyone f***ing knock any more?"

"Heaven Help Us" (1985), yet one more coming-of-age comedy from the 1980s, concerned the rambunctious antics of five teenagers at St. Basil's, a strict Roman Catholic prep school. Roger Ebert had hoped for "an affectionate, nostalgic, funny look back at Catholic school education in Brooklyn of the 1960s" but deemed the resulting film a cross between "Porky's" and "Stalag 17."

Trouble brewing: Originally titled "Catholic Boys," "Heaven Help Us" features
(left to right) Kevin Dillon (later popular as Johnny "Drama" Chase on the HBO
series "Entourage"), Stephen Geoffreys (best known as "Evil Ed" Thompson in
the original "Fright Night"), Patrick Dempsey (familiar to fans of "Grey's Anatomy"
as "McDreamy"), Andrew McCarthy, and Malcolm Danare (best known as Dr.
Mendel Craven in the 1998 "Godzilla," starring Matthew Broderick. )

Despite Roger's disappointment, the warmhearted, evocative, and humorous time capsule boasts endearing performances by Andrew McCarthy (a member of Hollywood's so-called Brat Pack of the '80s) and Mary Stuart Masterson. Donald Sutherland, John Heard, and Wallace Shawn are featured as Catholic Brothers in a cast that includes Dana Barron (the original Audrey Griswold in "National Lampoon's Vacation"), Yeardley Smith (the voice of Lisa on "The Simpsons"), and Calvert De Forest (better known as Larry "Bud" Melman on NBC's "Late Night with David Letterman").

In "Heaven Help Us," Stephen Geoffreys (pictured above left, with Kevin Dillon and Patrick Dempsey) plays a sexually frustrated kid repeatedly caught masturbating, even when the troublemakers are locked in a blacked-out closet. During the 1990s, Geoffreys started appearing in gay adult movies under the name Sam Ritter. After a 17-year absence from mainstream cinema, he appeared in the horror films "Sick Girl," "New Terminal Hotel," and "Emerging Past."

As played by Jodie Foster in 1991's "The Silence of the Lambs," fledgling FBI Agent Clarice Starling's first interview with serial killer and cannibal Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane doesn't fly well when an inmate called Multiple Miggs, who had earlier told Starling, "I can smell your cunt," flings a handful of freshly whipped man batter at her face.

What's interesting about this scene is that the actor credited as "Friendly Psychopath" (pictured above) who warmly greets Clarice and subsequently berates his cell neighbor with, "Miggs, you dumb f***!" is Don Brockett, better known as Chef Brockett, the cheerful, bearlike baker from "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" (pictured below).

Interestingly, Don Brockett enjoyed playing zombies in George A. Romero films. (Another of Fred Rogers' television neighbors, Chuck Aber, portrayed the special agent who removes the death's-head moth from the throat of one of Buffalo Bill's victims in "The Silence of the Lambs.") Oh, as for the fate of the character Multiple Miggs in "The Silence of the Lambs," the next morning, he is found dead in his cell after swallowing his tongue.

In the 1993 comedy "Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Smell of Fear," the second sequel to "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!" retired Police Squad Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) tails Tanya Peters (Anna Nicole Smith), the buxom girlfriend of homicidal bomber Rocco Dillon (Fred Ward), to her job at what Drebin thinks is a patient clinic but is in reality a sperm bank and fertility clinic (pictured below). Predictably, but nonetheless hilariously, Drebin's inept undercover probing finds him repeatedly corralled into the donor's room, where his unseen actions are accompanied by a cacophony of cartoon sound effects straight out of Looney Tunes.

It's the iconic scene in 1998's "There's Something About Mary," if not the iconic moment in all the envelope-pushing comedies directed by brothers Bobby and Peter Ferrelly. Before his date with long-lost love Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller receives ill advice from his hives-infested buddy, whose nickname is "Woogie" (bad sign # one) and who is played by Chris Elliott (bad sign # two).

"You choke the chicken before any date," Elliot urges. "Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous...After you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not...It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore!...Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now, that's a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually...thinking like a girl, and girls love that."

When Cameron Diaz mistakes a pearly strand dangling from Ben Stiller's ear for hair gel, she promptly dabs it on her own hair, resulting in the film's most memorable sight gag.

"American Beauty" (1999), which garnered Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director (Sam Mendes), Best Actor (Kevin Spacey), Best Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen, and Best Cinematography, opens with Kevin Spacey masturbating in the shower as his character narrates that his few moments alone with himself are "the high point of the day."

Fantasizing about his daughter's high school friend, played by Mena Suvari (pictured below), Spacey starts slapping pappy one night in bed while his frigid wife (portrayed by an Academy Award-nominated Annette Bening) sleeps beside him. When the thumping stirs her, he declares his independence. "This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what? I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not going to help me out in that department!"

Roger Ebert noted, "The movie is about a man who fears growing older, losing the hope of true love and not being respected by those who know him best. It's about  yearning after youth, respect, power, and, of course, beauty." (Oddly enough, like director Billy Wilder's film noir classic "Sunset Boulevard," which was about another cynical individual who yearned for respect and beauty, "American Beauty" is narrated by a dead man.)

Three big-screen sequels and four direct-to-video spinoffs ago, the original pop culture phenomenon, "American Pie" (1999), centered around a group of horny high school senior boys who make a pact to lose their virginities before the end of the school year. Chief among the seniors is the socially awkward, sexually naive Jim Levenstein, played by Jason Biggs. In the movie's most talked-about scene, Levenstein, having been told by a buddy that third base feels like "warm apple pie," decides to try it out on a defenseless pie in the family kitchen, only to be walked in on by his pop, portrayed by Eugene Levy (a veteran of SCTV and frequent collaborator with filmmaker Christopher Guest, as well as the sole actor to appears in all eight productions of the "American Pie" franchise.)

One internet wag couldn't help but wonder, "Why, OH WHY, does Jim choose to
perform the deed in the kitchen, in plain sight, so he could easily get caught?"

Directed by brothers Paul and Chris Weitz, who directed "About a Boy" from their Oscar-nominated screenplay, "American Pie" was written by Adam Hertz, who titled the original script "Untitled Teenage Sex Comedy That Can Be Made For Under $10 Million That Most Readers Will Hate But I Think You Will Love." In his review, Roger Ebert said, "The film is in the tradition of 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High,' 'National Lampoon's Animal House'...It is not inspired, but it's cheerful and hard-working and sometimes funny, and - here's the important thing - it's not mean. Its characters are sweet and lovable...Raunchy is OK. Cruel is not."

In "American Pie 2" (2001), Jim Levenstein suffers the indignity of accidentally using Super Glue instead of lubricant to smack the salami, affixing his hand to his privates and his boxers (pictured above). In "American Wedding" (2003), he manscapes his pubic hair prior to his nuptials, and the shavings end up covering the icing on the wedding cake. Incidentally, although frequently cast as a Jewish character (including the "American Pie" pictures and "Saving Silverman"), Jason Biggs is not Jewish.

Ostensibly an ugly duckling tale about the transformation of a Plain Jane into the prom queen at John Hughes High School, 2001's "Not Another Teen Movie" is a scattershot parody of numerous popular teen comedies, scripted by at least five writers, who variously worked on broadcasts of MTV Movie Awards and on the Keenen Ivory Wayans satire "Scary Movie," and directed by Joel Gallen, who has executive produced and directed 12 of the 14 Comedy Central Roasts.

The cast features Chris Evans (best known as Captain America in the Marvel Cinematic Universe) as Jamey Briggs, "The Popular Jock," Jaime Pressly (familiar to fans of "My Name Is Earl" as Joy Turner) as Priscilla, "The Nasty Cheerleader," and Chyler Leigh (who played Dr. Lexi Grey on five seasons of "Grey's Anatomy") as Janey Briggs, "The Pretty Ugly Girl." Cameos throughout the film feature Molly Ringwald, Mr. T, Melissa Joan Hart, and Paul Gleason (assistant principal Vernon in "The Breakfast Club").

In the movie's opening scene, Janey Briggs' anticipated intimate under-the-covers tango with "My Lil' Vibrator," a writhing, buzzing, foot-long monstrosity, on her birthday is hilariously interrupted in succession by her dad (Randy Quaid), her kid brother, her grandparents, and the family priest with kids in tow.

Early in his career as a Wall Street stockbroker, Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) falls under the tutelage of Mark Hanna, a manically successful broker fueled by cocaine and masturbation, fittingly portrayed by Matthew McConaughey (pictured below), in director Martin Scorsese's feverish dark comedy "The Wolf of Wall Street" (2013), based on the real-life Belfort's memoir of the same name, recounting his descent into corruption and fraud which led to his downfall.

"You gotta stay relaxed," McConaughey says. "Do you jerk off?" DiCaprio responds, "Do I jerk off? Yeah." "How many times a week?" "Like three, three or four times maybe." DiCaprio replies. "All right, pump those numbers up," McConaughey urges, "those are rookie numbers in this racket. You're in the f***ing minor leagues. Me, I jack it twelve to fifteen times a week. Twice a day." "Wow." "If you don't do it, the stress of this job, it'll make you explode. Or worse, you'll implode. You don't wanna implode."

Jonah Hill's Oscar-nominated characterization of uncouth, foul-mouthed, coke-snorting, 'lude-popping, hooker-obsessed Donnie Azuff was based on Danny Porush, the broker who supervised Belfort's stock fraud scheme and ended up serving 39 months in prison. (Belfort was incarcerated for 22 months.)

Leonardo DiCaprio called "The Wolf of Wall Street" a "modern-day 'Caligula.'"

Hill remarked, "The movie is so unapologetic and so aggressive. Donnie, while entertaining to watch, is coming from a pretty dark place. He has no impulses control, he's a drug addict, he steals from people with no remorse. It was understood going in that there was no holding back."

In the film, at a party in Belfort's garishly ostentatious mansion on Long Island, Donnie is coked to the gills when he spots a stunning blonde named Naomi (Margot Robbie). Without a second thought, he unleashes his trouser snake and savagely thrashes it in front of the entire party.

Hill later recalled with a chuckle, "It was a prosthetic...I wouldn't call it fun but it was...interesting...There were a lot of background artists on set that day who hadn't read the script...So for them, it was really funny, but for the main characters, it's really inappropriate and disturbing. So I had to tell everyone that while their first instinct was to laugh, I had to take it very seriously so that we got the appropriate response...This stuff really happened, so you have to treat it as real."

At the 2014 Golden Globe Awards ceremony, in the opening monologue by hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, Poehler said, "'The Wolf of Wall Street' is another movie tonight. I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic. I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties." Tina Fey added, "Jonah Hill used a prosthetic penis in 'The Wolf of Wall Street.' So you have that to look forward to next time you eat at Planet Hollywood."

In a medium where public accessibility usually curtails depictions of characters taking matters into their own hands, so to speak, dramatic interpretations of self-amour in television programming are few and far between.

During the 1992 fourth season of the groundbreaking sitcom "Seinfeld," George's (Jason Alexander) confession that his mother caught him painting the flag pole, inspires Jerry, Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Kramer (Michael Richards), and George to start a contest to determine who can go the longest without masturbating.

Not surprisingly, Kramer is promptly disqualified from the contest, thanks to
a naked exhibitionist in the apartment building across the street.

Obviously considered a controversial subject at the time, the word "masturbation" was never uttered in the episode, appropriately titled "The Contest," but was instead described in a series of euphemisms, including the hallmark phrase "master of my domain" (denoting one who is able to control one's urges). The network received a mere 31 complaints from viewers, while Larry David, series co-creator, executive producer, and head writer, won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Writing in a Comedy Series.

In the 2008 episode of "South Park" titled "Over Logging," the Marsh family joins a mass migration West when internet access mysteriously dries up in Colorado, robbing patriarch Randy Marsh of his addictive access to porn. They end up in an overcrowded Red Cross "Internet Refugee Camp," in an obscure parody of the migrant Okie settlements in the 1940 film "The Grapes of Wrath." Randy ultimately breaks into the lockup for the tent city's sole computer, where he shamelessly uses up what little amount of internet connection was left in an explosive climax.

Masturbating Bear debuted as a recurring character on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," which aired on NBC from 1993 to 2009. No matter the otherwise distracting premises for the sketches, they all invariably ended with the diaper-clad beast furiously juggling its bear-balls to the rousing strains of Khachaturian's "Sabre Dance" until onstage handlers subdued it with electric prods.

When Conan tried to "retire" the bear by encasing it in carbonite, a la Han Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back," guest Carrie Fisher freed the bear. After sailing off with Fisher, Masturbating Bear reappeared during O'Brien's brief tenure on "The Tonight Show" in early 2010. On comedy tours, lest Conan infringe on network copyrights, the bear was called the Self-Pleasuring Panda.

By 2011, on "Conan" on TBS, Masturbating Bear was presented as being retired from show business and settled down in suburbia with a wife and two kids. When the bear was finally invited on stage to a cheering audience, it wasted no time in stripping out of its business suit and rustling the linen, even while hanging from the rafters. During O'Brien's 2012 trip to Chicago, Conan introduced Masturbating Bear, but instead, a man dressed as an NFL Chicago Bear watching internet porn with his pants down was brought onto the stage, followed by Masturbating Bear.

After Words

Woody Allen in "Annie Hall" (1977)

"The great thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it."
- Truman Capote

"We have reason to believe that men first walked upright to free their hands for
masturbation."  - Lily Tomlin

"You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to
'Gilligan's Island.' "  - Ron Jeremy

"Yeah, well, I still jerk off, manually."  - The Dude